I'll probably write about the same stuff in my journal today, but here I go...
It's very depressing to realize that no one likes you. It's even more depressing when you realize it after you don't have to deal with those people anymore. Today ureshii_na
, Midori (my chosen nickname for the fourth girl in our Japanese class), and I spoke about our high schools and I realized that no one liked me. There were always tons of rumours about me and no one would tell me what they were. No one ever really went out of their way to talk to me and I kept mostly to myself because I always felt uncomfortable spending time with people other than my close friends and even then I'd get tired of them easily. I know that I'm kind of annoying, but I think that there was probably a lot of talk about me being two-faced and putting up a goody two shoes act because that fits what my former best friend said about me from about eighth grade on. I thought that all of that was done with, but reflecting on it I don't think it is because the only friends I managed to make in high school were students who didn't go to my middle school and didn't get along with her. I suppose subconsciously at least people decided I was superficial... but I'm really not. I'm extremely straightforward. Simple insults make me cry and everything can force me into hysterics. I've always been kind of sensitive, but it really heightened over the past two years. I think that my ostrasization has probably been a direct cause of it. I have always felt a lot of pressure from being at school and that is also probably related.
The only place I ever felt like I really belonged was in my poetry class and even then my original class didn't like me (resented me even) and my second class didn't want me. It's all very draining and pretty much ruined a great day in Japan. Life sucks.